Judge THIS!

First, let me just go ahead and say that never in my LIFE have I been judged as much as I have since becoming a stepmom. And I’m not talking about judgment from “the world” or even my “enemies,” although I’m sure there’s no shortage there either. I am talking about being judged, even harshly sometimes, by the very people I’m closest to in this world, my own friends and family. My favorite Stepmom Shaming Repertoire includes the all too famous “you knew what you were getting yourself into when you said yes,” “I can not BELIEVE anyone could feel that way about an innocent child,” and my personal favorite, “gosh, your poor husband, he probably feels like he can’t make anybody happy.” And honestly, I get it. I really do. Before I was a stepmom, my jaw would have dropped to the floor if a stepmom had said to me some of the things I have said in a moment of anger or hurt. But that was back before I understood on such a deep level the unique burdens and pain that a stepmom is forced to carry around with her,  on top of the overwhelming weight of isolation and lack of support.  

What’s so ironic is that I am 100% positive that I have expressed a thousand times more frustration about parenting my own biological child in these past three years, but instead of being met with judgment, I am consistently met with sincere compassion and an “OMG, me too girl” head shake. I could write blog after blog about the reasons why people should stop judging stepmoms. I could try to explain to you why parenting a child your husband had with another woman is infinitely harder and more emotionally complex than raising your own child or even a child born to a different set of parents. I could tell you how being a stepmom means being exposed to things that no tender-hearted new bride should ever be exposed to, triggering every hidden insecurity inside and nearly pushing you to the brink of insanity. I could probably have you in tears over the excruciating pain of rejection, exclusion and loss felt by 99.9% of all stepmoms, regardless of how “perfect” or “easy” their situation might seem from the outside. But I’m not going to do that because that’s just not really the whole picture, nor is it addressing the root issue. This post isn’t about people judging stepmoms. This post is about people judging people. Because we are all people and we are all the same, even if we like to live in our own self-made little fantasy worlds where there are “good people” and “bad people,” heroes and villains. And I will flat out tell you that a little over a year ago, I was one of those people, but after leading a Bible study on the book of Romans, every single thing I ever thought I knew about myself and others was completely turned over on its head when God revealed to me the ugly truth about my own sick human heart. 

Here’s the thing— chances are if you are always judging others, you are probably pretty hard on yourself, too. So, the problem really isn’t that you don’t know the truth about other people, the problem is that you haven’t yet discovered the truth about yourself and where you really come from. The truth is, you come from a loooooooong line of sinners, dating all the way back to Adam in the Garden of Eden. The Bible said through one man sin entered the world and ALL have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. The moment you entered the world, you joined the Sinners Club. Yes, even babies and toddlers are sinners. If you don’t believe me, come hang out with my three year old for a day. So, for time’s sake I am just gonna be blunt and to the point—you have nothing to offer the world in and of yourself. That is until the day you are spiritually born again and you are clothed in a robe of righteousness placed on you by Jesus Himself. But that doesn’t change the reality of what’s still under that robe until the day you get to heaven and are finally made holy- a filthy sinner in DESPERATE need of a Savior. 

Let me break this down for you.

You were God’s enemy. He pursued your heart, even when you didn’t know who He was. You did nothing to deserve His love or Salvation. He sent His son to die for you because He loved you. Not because you loved Him. You bring nothing to the table. He brings everything. The only thing good about you or in you, is GOD. Without Him, you are nothing but destruction to yourself and everyone around you. Salvation is 100% His work, not yours. You could never be good enough to earn it. Even your faith is a gift from God, not a product of some superior “godliness” you’ve achieved. God’s love and salvation are available to every single human on this planet. God is no respecter of persons. He doesn’t offer you anything more or better than someone who’s never cracked open a Bible or been to church a day in their life. He doesn’t love you one ounce more than He loves your greatest enemy. Does this clear things up for you? 

Stepmom. Parent. Brother. Sister. Whoever you are. Whatever you do. You are not better than anyone. No, not even that person. You don’t get to create your own standard just so you can feel superior. There is only one standard of perfection and that is Jesus Christ and guess what? You fall short. Every. Single. Time. It’s time to stop fooling yourself about yourself. I hate to break it you, but no stepmom, you are not better than the ex, even if she hates your guts and trashes your name from here to Singapore. And no, you are not better than your husband just because he made some really stupid mistakes and you didn’t (by the Grace of God alone). No bio-mom, you are not a better mom just because you’ve given birth to a child and your kid’s stepmom hasn’t. No, self-righteous go-to-church-every-single-week christian, you are not better than the dude who’s still asleep on Sunday morning because he was out partying all night. Are you starting to get it now? People. We all came from the same place and we are all getting to the next place the same way! Lying to yourself isn’t going to change what line you stand in at the pearly gates so why in the heck would it change anything here on earth?  

Look- all of your talents, your gifts, your blessing, your purpose here on earth, your eternal security—it was all graciously granted to you by God. Period. There’s no room for pride. You don’t get to brag about something you didn’t even contribute to. It’s OK to put down your pride and admit that maybe you’re really not as amazing as you thought you were. But you do serve an amazing God who can take filthy rotten sinners and make them extraordinary vessels for His purpose and glory. When you finally understand where you come from and realize that everything you have is a gift from God, and that you’re not God’s gift, you can shift the glory from self back to Him, where it rightfully belongs. Isn’t it freeing to know that no matter how good you are, you could never be more loved by God than you are at your worst moment? And if the God of the universe feels that way about us, how in the world can we convince ourselves its okay for us to extend anything less to others? And one more question. I mean y’all, seriously, how can we sit here and actually believe we are better than anyone else when God makes it so perfectly clear that He doesn’t? Do you honestly think your opinion trumps His? That’s just plain RIDICULOUS! We are ALL the same in God’s eyes, fully known and fully loved- and no amount of clothing, makeup, money, status or relationships will ever change that. And THAT is how I learned to stop judging others. At the end of the day, there’s only one Righteous Judge. And thank the Good Lord, it’s not me.