I Act Like My Stepkid’s Mom and Here’s Why

A couple of months ago, I ran into a friend I hadn’t seen in a long time and although I was getting out of my car as she was getting into hers, I KNEW God was prompting me to spend time with her. She mentioned going to lunch so I asked her if she wanted to go grab something to eat and jumped right back in the driver’s seat. Turns out, we had SO much to catch up on and I was so grateful for the chance to hear about everything going on in her life. She asked how things were going with my stepdaughter and if I’m being honest here, I just wasn’t feeling super positive that day and as you know, I have the tendency to be brutally honest. As I was talking, ok mostly complaining, I noticed her eyes start to swell up with tears so I immediately stopped and asked her what was wrong. What she said next changed everything for me as a stepmom.

She told me that she was/is a stepchild and that even after all these years, hearing me talk about the situation with my stepdaughter was very hurtful for her because of the old, yet still painful feelings it brought up. She said it upset her hearing me talk about my stepdaughter like she was an outsider in my family, because as a child all she ever wanted was to be her stepdad’s “real” kid so she could feel like she truly belonged in her family. Her mother and stepdad had a child together who was many years younger than her but she saw how different they were with “their child” when she was at her mom’s house. To make matters worse, her mother and biological father had a very strained relationship and because of this, my friend instinctively felt that when her mother looked at her, she saw her father and possibly even regretted bringing her into this world with him in the first place. The worst part of all is that even having an awesome relationship with her stepdad didn’t spare her from this painful experience. To this day, she still has a hard time talking about it. 

WHOA.

In a matter of just three minutes, my heart was shattered into a million pieces. You know, it’s one thing for me to “put myself in someone else’s shoes,” but sitting next to someone and physically witnessing such deep tangible pain…that’s a whole different experience. I had been asking God to help me to empathize better with my stepdaughter and He delivered in the most unexpected way and it WRECKED me the whole rest of the day. That night when my stepdaughter got home, I told her to come to my bedroom because I wanted to talk to her. I took her hands and held them in mine, looked her dead in the eye and I said, look I know sometimes you might feel like you don’t really fit in when you come here and that you don’t belong in this family because you aren’t me and your dad’s kid like your brother is, but I want you to know right now, YOU ARE MY DAUGHTER and there’s nothing you can do to stop my love for you. THIS IS YOUR REAL FAMILY and you belong here 100%. I love you just as much as I love your brother. Yes, it’s different but you better believe my love for you is just as strong. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for you. And if you ever start to feel like you don’t fit in at this house, I want you to come to me and say “Rachel, I need to talk” and I will remind you of everything we talked about tonight. I need you to know in your heart that you always belong here. With your Dad. With your brother. With me. With your family. I need you to trust that no matter what. I don’t think I have ever seen more relief come over a child’s face. I held her and we cried together. 

You know, the experts all tell you, don’t act like your stepkid’s mom because they already have one! Well, you know what? I politely and completely disagree. You know why? My stepdaughter WANTS to be my daughter when shes at our house. Not because she wants to replace her mother. Not because she likes me better than her mother or even actually wants me to be her mother when she’s here.  It’s because SHE WANTS TO FEEL LIKE SHE TRULY BELONGS in our family, like her brother does. She longs for me to love and adore her the way she sees me love and adore my son. I’ve seen the the warmth flood her cheeks when a stranger asks about “my kids” and I point out that she is my stepdaughter. She doesn’t want to be the outsider or singled out. She doesn’t want to be reminded of the fact that her parents can’t even be in the same room while her brother has this perfect little family with two parents that are in love and happy. IT HURTS HER. She doesn’t want to live in a house where another child is more special or more “family” than she is. 

No, I don’t want to step on any toes but I mean honestly, would any mother ever want her to child to live in a house where they are treated as anything less than REAL family? Just the thought of my child not feeling like he truly belonged in his own family devastates my heart. Never in my LIFE will I discourage my stepchild’s relationship or bond with her mother or, but no longer will I take a step back from mothering this child when she’s here, in fear of hurting the feelings of grown ADULTS who are supposed to be capable of maturely processing their own insecurities and emotions. The only feelings I need to be worried about are the ones inside an innocent eight year old’s heart, which has already had to do way too much growing up, way too fast.  And even though I fail miserably at it sometimes, I am proud to say I act like my stepdaughter’s mother when she’s here. Even if I don’t truly feel that way. Not because I want to. Not because I have to. But because nothing is as devastating to the human heart than feeling like you don’t belong. 

You will always belong here, daughter.