Dear Stepmom, It’s OK to say “Happy Mother’s Day.”

This Mother’s Day I’m gonna switch things up a little and I know a lot of you won’t like it and that’s okay.

So, my stepdaughter left Friday to go spend Mother’s Day with her other family for the weekend and before she went to bed Thursday night, she came in my bedroom and apologized for not having me a Mother’s Day gift. She said she made me one and forgot it. Same thing she said last year (and possibly the year before). It caught me so off guard because honestly, the thought of her getting me a gift or acknowledging me at all for Mother’s Day hadn’t even crossed my mind until that night when she said something. And then what surprised me even more was my automatic response – “Honey, you don’t have to get me anything, I’m not your mom! Do NOT feel guilty because it doesn’t hurt my feelings at all!” And I said it because well, it’s just the truth. 

A few years ago, I probably would have been pretty triggered by that if I’m being honest. I probably would have made a comment to my husband about how ungrateful both her and her mother are for all that I do, because my hurt always turns into angry words and blame shifting. 

It’s crazy how sometimes you don’t realize that you have changed until you’re faced with a situation that draws it out of you in an obvious way. 

Stepmoms, I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again. You are irreplaceable and your value in the life of your stepchild is beyond anything I could ever try to describe in a post on Instagram. 

BUT. 

For this Mother’s Day, I’m gonna shout out to all the bio-moms out there. Because y’all. God helped realize something. It’s not just hard being a stepmom. It’s freakin’ hard being a mom who has to share their children with a stepmom. I seriously don’t know if I could do it. I’ll go ahead and tell you right now, it would break me. I’d love to sit here and pretend I would be some amazing bio-mom that sent the stepmom flowers for Mother’s Day and treated her like gold, and maybe I would, but sending my babies to live with another woman would rip me wide open and expose every insecurity and fear living inside of this sinner’s heart. All I can say is that I am beyond grateful that I will never have to find out. 

At the end of the day, there are two realities – your reality and her reality. And they are both valid. And the truth is, the greatest gift we can give our step kids is full permission to put us on the back burner and shower mom with all the love and gifts she can handle. Even if you think she sucks. Even if you think you do a better job than her. Even you think she’s a train wreck. Even if she doesn’t like you and doesn’t want her kids to like you. Even if you think she’s not a good mom. Even if you think she doesn’t deserve it. Because she DOES deserve it. And she doesn’t have to earn their love. Because she is their Mom. And that is something sacred no matter what the circumstances are surrounding that relationship. And stepmom that’s OK. You don’t have to keep telling yourself, “but you don’t how bad it is or what she does or who she hurt.” But but but but. But nothing. Let it go. I know it stings. But it won’t last forever. I promise. There is healing in surrender. It’s OK to fully accept that you aren’t “Mom.” Seriously, ITS OK. It doesn’t make you any less important, any less loved than her. It just makes you different than her. Embrace what you are. Don’t be ashamed of it. You have a purpose. You are essential. You are Stepmom. And your worth cannot and will not be determined by one holiday. 

So knowing that and being the secure, God-fearing women that we are, with hearts full of the love, grace and mercy God has so graciously lavished upon us, let’s join our stepchildren and give a big “Happy Mother’s Day”  shoutout to all the bio-moms out there! We see you. And we thank you for sharing your babies with us. 

Disclaimer: I am not suggesting anyone actually reach out and wish bio-mom a “Happy Mother’s Day.” This is about shifting the posture of our heart!