1. You have to REPRIORITIZE.

If you are (re)married, the relationship hierarchy should be 1) God, 2) Wife 3) Kids. Men, keep in mind that everyone has a seat at the table, but it’s up to you to make sure everyone sits in their appropriate place. It may feel counterintuitive at first, but your wife deserves to be your number one priority and your children deserve to know what a healthy marriage and family looks like.

2. Stop revolving your life around your KIDS.

Consistency and routine make everyone feel safe, especially kids who travel back and forth between two different homes with two different ways of doing things. Normal everyday life shouldn’t be put on hold just because your kids are there. They need structure, not constant entertainment. Continue to do date night on Fridays, laundry on Saturdays and church on Sundays. Carry on with whatever normal life is for your family and know that it’s OK for your kids to experience boredom and disappointment sometimes.

3. Set strong BOUNDARIES.

Remember that co-parenting is a business relationship. There is no reason to communicate with your ex unless it’s something important about the shared child. Conversations should be short, respectful and to the point. For high conflict situations, parallel parenting may be the best option and boundaries should be even stronger. Contact should be as limited as possible and there are several third-party communication tools that can help make this happen. For some of you, setting stronger boundaries may mean being “the bad guy,” whether its in the eyes of the ex, friends or even family. But that’s okay, because you are only here to do right by God and nobody else.

4. You need to be a FATHER.

Just because you are no longer in a relationship with their mother, does not mean that you get to stop being a father. Your kids don’t need a best friend or a party pal. They need a parent to teach, discipline and guide them. Your job is not to make your children like you. Your job is to raise a decent human being that will be a functional and respectful member of society one day.

5. STOP expecting perfection.

Come to terms with the fact that this is not the marriage or family your wife dreamed of growing up. While you may hope that your new partner is the piece of the puzzle you’ve been missing, you have to be prepared to accept that this new arrangement will be a HUGE adjustment for everyone involved. Know that your blended family cannot and will not operate as a normal family and it may take years for your family to establish a “new normal.”

Men, never give up. God created marriage and family to succeed and yours is not the exception.

-Seth

You see, the way you look is important in a family and even more so in a blended family. Looks are powerful symbols of relatedness and belonging. Looks can make you feel like the insider or the outsider.

 The day my husband and I welcomed our first baby into the world, my stepdaughter automatically became the “outsider.” This wasn’t something we got to choose. It’s just the way it works. Biology. Her new baby brother was the child of both parents in the house and she wasn’t. He was a living, breathing symbol of our love and commitment and she wasn’t. He was with us 24/7 and she wasn’t. And the truth is, we all felt the impact of that distinction, whether we consciously acknowledged it or not.

Born with a head full of dark hair, dark olive skin and green eyes, our first son looks just like his daddy and I, who share such similar features that we often get asked if we are brother and sister. And yes, we are from Alabama. And no, we are not brother and sister or even third cousins, thank you very much.  Although none of this felt significant at the time, I began to realize that it actually had more of an impact on our family than I could have ever imagined. You see my stepdaughter has pale blonde hair, a fair complexion and crystal blue eyes, which stuck out like a sore thumb when the four of us were together. Sometimes, strangers would even comment about it when we were out shopping or grabbing lunch. As the years went by, I noticed she would make subtle remarks about it, too and it was not until then that I FINALLY started to catch on. See, to me, her appearance has always been beautiful and unique. But to her, it was also an often-painful reminder to herself and the world that she was in fact, the outsider in our blended family. Can I just pause for a second and say that breaks my heart into a million pieces?!

BUT GOD.

This past year on June 4, at 4:10 a.m., we welcomed our second baby into this world. We didn’t find out what we were having, so this was quite the surprise! I prayed and believed so hard for a baby girl who would look like me. Instead, the doctor handed me a baby boy who looked like my stepdaughter!

When we got home from the hospital, I decided to look up the meaning of his name because I had honestly not put too much thought into the boy name we had picked out many months before. The name Jonathan means “gift of Yahweh (Given of God).”  When I read those words, it really hit me. When this baby was woven together in the secret place, God wasn’t just thinking about what I wanted. He was thinking about what we all needed. He was thinking about the daddy whose heart longed to raise two boys the way his father did. He was thinking about the little boy who begged me every single day for a baby brother to play with because he was surrounded by girls. But most of all, I believe he was thinking about the tenderhearted little girl who didn’t need to lose her special place as the only daughter in our family.

In a moment, it all made sense to me and right then and there as hot tears rolled down my face, I thanked God for His provision. The gift of a constant reminder that she is one of us. That she always has and always will belong. That we are family.

I thanked God for giving me a sweet baby boy, with crystal blue eyes and blonde hair. Just like his sister.

P.S. You should see how her eyes light up every time I tell her how much her baby brother looks like her. And you better believe I tell her every chance I get!

 First and foremost, before I share my story, I would like to thank Rachel for this opportunity to encourage and help all the blended families out there. I hope you all know you are not alone, the struggles and the hardships are temporary, and the seeds you are planting will bear fruit one day. 

I am no expert. I am what most would consider a “rookie” at stepdad life. I have only been married for 14 months now and have been involved with my wife and her son for over 2 years now. Amidst all the struggles and difficulties the blended family lifestyle brings, I wouldn’t trade it for anything. It is a wonderful and rewarding opportunity to be involved in the life of a child who does not share your DNA. I want to share our story and hopefully give you some encouragement and hope for you and your family.

My wife and I grew up very differently. She has lived in Florida her entire life. I have moved around several places. Her parents divorced and remarried which created a blended family for her from a very young age. Fortunately and unfortunately for her, she has seen and been through a lot more than I have. My parents have been married almost 40 years now, and besides moving around the state of Alabama a few times, we haven’t had much hardship to deal with as a family. Let me put it to you like this. We were living in Huntsville when my dad accepted the head coaching position at Troy University; it was a better job and opportunity for him. The rest of us stayed in Huntsville for a couple of years while he went down to Troy to revamp the program. THAT was the toughest family circumstance we all had to deal with, and I am so lucky that my dad and I still remain very close. 

My wife had her son young, and he has been her entire world ever since. They have experienced mental and emotional stress (what some might call abuse), family turmoil, and inconsistencies in the truth for the majority of her son’s life. When I came in to the picture, the dad was not around, as he was in a bad place that I wouldn’t wish upon anyone. So, being a bit naive to their situation, I came in and immediately fell in love with my wife’s son who is now 11.

Let me add that I was already in love with her before I got to spend time with him. Although he was a bit undisciplined and disrespectful in some situations, giving him stability and direction has molded him into the kind, loving and respectful young man he truly is today. But, this is also the issue I struggle with as well and maybe some of you stepdads out there can relate. See, I was raised to be scared of my dad. Almost like I was so scared to screw up because I knew the consequences were going to be so severe that you didn’t even chance it. So, with my stepson, my patience for certain things tends to run out quickly. “Is that ok?” “Am I being too hard on him?” “This is how I was raised, and it worked for me, my brother and sister, why wouldn’t it work for him?” These are the thoughts that run through my head just about every day. His mom does a great job with him, but things that bother me (like taking shoes off before you get in the house) don’t bother her. So, when he has his shoes on in the house for the millionth time, I get frustrated. And its hard!! I think as a stepdad, especially when the real dad is still around, you do have to be careful but also make the child understand that this is your home. He needs to know that you make the rules and you are in charge. Just like you would if the child was your own, except you have to apply these rules differently. I’ll give you an example. He, like most kids these days, plays Fortnite. He is often too loud when talking to his friends, so I told him if he’s loud again, I will take it away. One night, around midnight, he woke me up being too loud. I told him politely to get off and go to bed. He refused and it was very hard for me to stay calm in that situation. It never escalated because his mom came in and calmed him down and got him to go to sleep. The reason I am telling you this is, it was so hard for me to not go from 0 to 100!! If he was my child, I think I would have gone to 100. And I wanted to with every part of me. For all you stepdads out there I’m sure you have wanted to do the same but felt like you couldn’t and that’s okay. I think sometimes it IS okay to go to 100. Again, we’re dealing with kids, and with structure and discipline comes difficulties and hardships. Believe me, there are many situations where I have been too firm and could have handled it differently. I wish I would have handled it differently. But it is all a learning process. I heard an expert say it can take a blended family 3-7 YEARS to really figure out their new situation. That is CRAZY to me. And in many cases, it makes sense.

 For you stepdads that are dealing with the biological dad that causes or has caused issues, I feel for you. I tried to shake my stepson’s dad’s hand the first time I was around him and guess what he did? Looked down at my hand and said “ I know who you are” and walked away talking crap. That’s who I am dealing with and I am sure some of you are too. Honestly, I’m thankful its an offseason for my stepson just so I don’t have to see his dad’s face. And that is awful and I hope God can give me the strength to overcome that inner blood boiling disdain I have for my stepson’s dad. I commend the dads and stepdads that get along out there. You guys are heroes in my opinion and I can’t imagine how great it is for the kids involved. I encourage every one of you to sit down and talk things through and try to get on the same page as much as possible. That is one thing my wife and I struggle with and it puts a burden on our marriage. There is so much hope for all of us though, as this struggle is only temporary and we have to allow everyone time to adjust, adapt and overcome all barriers. We are to love these kids as if they are our own, and cherish every minute with them. I hope and pray for all of you out there to find people that can give you wisdom, discernment, and encouragement through your journey.

-Logan Pierce

I see you over there, eyes bright and full of love and admiration for the new little family you have been asked to become a part of. I know how lucky you think you are to join them on this adventure called life and how special it feels to know that your husband chose you. And I am so happy for you. But mostly, my heart hurts for you. Because you are so oblivious to the pain and heartache that awaits you just around the corner. I want to protect you so badly. I want to warn you about all of it so that your tender heart knows what it’s really signing up for when you walk down that aisle and say “I do.” I wish I could prepare you for the fact that the worst is going to come before the better. I know that right now, you couldn’t even comprehend how something so wonderful could begin to deteriorate at lightning speed as soon as the party is over and real Stepmom life begins. 

Like all soon-to-be brides, you love weddings! Because right now, you are intoxicated with excitement over your own. But you have no idea that next year, you will watch your best friend and her new husband sway back and forth to some romantic “first dance” song at their reception, with nothing standing between them but love and the sweet innocence of two people embarking on the journey of marriage for the first time together. No step kids. No ex wife. Just simplicity. And it will feel like a sucker punch to the gut. And from then on, you will dread weddings. And I know you’ve probably never had anyone hate you for doing the right thing. You don’t yet know what it feels like to gain enemies just because you love someone or because someone loves you. But there’s a good chance that you will soon find out. I know how hard you have worked to make your stepchild feel like they really belong with you and your family. And it’s going to break your heart the day it hits you that until now, you never even realized that you have been the outsider all along and no one is going to work as hard as you did to make you feel like you belong in the family you sacrificed everything to be a part of. No, you’ve never known the pain of feeling even more alone and isolated when surrounded by members of your own family. But you will. And Stepmom, I see how much you love and respect your soon-to-be husband, but you haven’t yet  spent hours trying to wrap your head around the fact that the man you know could have ever been a part of something so dysfunctional.  And as his past begins to infiltrate your present more and more, you will find yourself living in a sort of twilight zone, where nothing is as it appears and even this man you know so well starts to feel like a stranger to you. Maybe then you’ll get pregnant and think that it will make things easier for you. Until your hormonal self gets on Facebook and sees your friend’s pregnancy announcement for her and her husband’s first child and for the first time ever, the full weight of your husband’s past will come crashing down on you when you realize that you will never get to have that experience. That it was stolen from you before you ever even met your husband. And then you will dread looking at social media. 

I truly hope that every time your door bell rings, it’s flowers from your husband or girl scouts dropping off the 10 boxes of thin mints you ordered in a moment of weakness. But chances are, one day that ring will come at 7 a.m. while you’re sleeping peacefully in bed next to your two year-old and some creepy old dude in a red jumpsuit will be standing at your door to serve you papers. Because the ex wants to take you and your husband back to court. Again. And even though all of this is SO hard, what scares me the most for you is how tender your heart is and the way people will carelessly stomp all over it, while simultaneously pretending you don’t even exist. Because this is what will ultimately send you over the edge and into the downward spiral where you finally hit rock bottom and come to the understanding and acceptance that this marriage, this family, this life, will never be what you dreamed of as a little girl and there is literally nothing you can do to change that. And it will hit you so fast and so hard that all of that love and admiration you had will swiftly melt into deep disappointment and anger. And resentment. And most of all, grief. Because your expectations were so high. Your intentions so pure. You’re going to wonder if your heart can survive this kind of pain. But you will continue to scrape yourself off of the bathroom floor and press on. You will keep moving forward because deep down inside of you still burns a small flicker of hope that things can and will get better. 

I want to tell you all of this so badly. I want to warn you so I can soften the blow somehow. But you wouldn’t believe me anyway. You wouldn’t really listen to what I had to say. Because you think your story is going to be different. That somehow your marriage and your family will defy all of the odds. And you are going to do what you want to do and that means believing what you want to believe. I get it. I’ve been there. And I don’t want to stop you. I won’t tell you not to do it. 

Because its already too late to go back. You’re in too deep. It’s written all over your face. Your heart has made its decision and there’s no going back now. But know, sweet girl, that you will see things you can never un-see. You will hear things you can never un-hear. Being a stepmom will change the way you view the world. It will change the way you view humanity. It will change the way you view yourself. There will be a loss of innocence that you will never get back. No, you can never go back to who you were before, to the life you had before. 

But you will create a new you. And a new life.  

Because once you hit rock bottom, you will be forced to realize that the only thing you have the power to change is you. And so you will work on you. You will work so hard. And you will build an inner strength and resilience you never even knew existed inside of you. And time will pass and with time comes healing. Then, one day you will wake up and realize that you haven’t felt that pain in months. Your marriage is rock solid. And not only are you no longer an outsider, but you are the very sun around which your little family revolves and your authenticity will burst forth out of you, shining rays of healing warmth and beauty on those around you. Yes, you will still have enemies. But they can’t hurt you anymore because you have forgiven them from the very depths of your soul and you have learned the art of creating healthy boundaries. Things will still trigger you, but now your triggers have become your teachers, showing you the places where you still need to heal. In moments of self-pity and weakness, your new found wisdom and strength will remind you that there is no such thing as the fairy tale life you had wished for and that you are exactly where you are supposed to be. That God does, in fact, keep His promises. Because now you see that He has been working it all out for your good all along. Even when you couldn’t see it. Especially when you couldn’t see it. 

Yes, being a stepmom will knock you flat on your face over and over again. But know this. The woman that rises up from those ashes will be a force to be reckoned with. And I can’t wait to meet that woman one day. But until then, I will be praying for you, soon-to-be stepmom. I believe in you. Because if I can do it, anyone can do it. 

Love,

Rachel

“For you, O God, have tested us;
    you have tried us as silver is tried.
You brought us into the net;
    you laid a crushing burden on our backs;
you let men ride over our heads;
    we went through fire and through water;
yet you have brought us out to a place of abundance.“

Psalm 66:10-12

Disclaimer: This perspective is from personal experience and does not reflect the experience of every stepmom- past, present or future.

So, my stepdaughter left Friday to go spend Mother’s Day with her other family for the weekend and before she went to bed Thursday night, she came in my bedroom and apologized for not having me a Mother’s Day gift. She said she made me one and forgot it. Same thing she said last year (and possibly the year before). It caught me so off guard because honestly, the thought of her getting me a gift or acknowledging me at all for Mother’s Day hadn’t even crossed my mind until that night when she said something. And then what surprised me even more was my automatic response – “Honey, you don’t have to get me anything, I’m not your mom! Do NOT feel guilty because it doesn’t hurt my feelings at all!” And I said it because well, it’s just the truth. 

A few years ago, I probably would have been pretty triggered by that if I’m being honest. I probably would have made a comment to my husband about how ungrateful both her and her mother are for all that I do, because my hurt always turns into angry words and blame shifting. 

It’s crazy how sometimes you don’t realize that you have changed until you’re faced with a situation that draws it out of you in an obvious way. 

Stepmoms, I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again. You are irreplaceable and your value in the life of your stepchild is beyond anything I could ever try to describe in a post on Instagram. 

BUT. 

For this Mother’s Day, I’m gonna shout out to all the bio-moms out there. Because y’all. God helped realize something. It’s not just hard being a stepmom. It’s freakin’ hard being a mom who has to share their children with a stepmom. I seriously don’t know if I could do it. I’ll go ahead and tell you right now, it would break me. I’d love to sit here and pretend I would be some amazing bio-mom that sent the stepmom flowers for Mother’s Day and treated her like gold, and maybe I would, but sending my babies to live with another woman would rip me wide open and expose every insecurity and fear living inside of this sinner’s heart. All I can say is that I am beyond grateful that I will never have to find out. 

At the end of the day, there are two realities – your reality and her reality. And they are both valid. And the truth is, the greatest gift we can give our step kids is full permission to put us on the back burner and shower mom with all the love and gifts she can handle. Even if you think she sucks. Even if you think you do a better job than her. Even you think she’s a train wreck. Even if she doesn’t like you and doesn’t want her kids to like you. Even if you think she’s not a good mom. Even if you think she doesn’t deserve it. Because she DOES deserve it. And she doesn’t have to earn their love. Because she is their Mom. And that is something sacred no matter what the circumstances are surrounding that relationship. And stepmom that’s OK. You don’t have to keep telling yourself, “but you don’t how bad it is or what she does or who she hurt.” But but but but. But nothing. Let it go. I know it stings. But it won’t last forever. I promise. There is healing in surrender. It’s OK to fully accept that you aren’t “Mom.” Seriously, ITS OK. It doesn’t make you any less important, any less loved than her. It just makes you different than her. Embrace what you are. Don’t be ashamed of it. You have a purpose. You are essential. You are Stepmom. And your worth cannot and will not be determined by one holiday. 

So knowing that and being the secure, God-fearing women that we are, with hearts full of the love, grace and mercy God has so graciously lavished upon us, let’s join our stepchildren and give a big “Happy Mother’s Day”  shoutout to all the bio-moms out there! We see you. And we thank you for sharing your babies with us. 

Disclaimer: I am not suggesting anyone actually reach out and wish bio-mom a “Happy Mother’s Day.” This is about shifting the posture of our heart!

But see, that was the problem. I was looking on the outside to make sense of all the problems I was dealing with on the inside. I mean A+ B= C right?  

Example: Husband gets a completely unnecessary, nasty message and then tells me about it. I am now seeing red. “Nobody talks to my husband like that. This is such crap. Why are people so crazy? Ugh this is all just so sick. I didn’t sign up for this. I hate being a stepmom. I feel miserable, so tonight when he comes home I’m gonna find something to complain about to make him feel a little miserable too because after all, it’s his fault I have to deal with this.” 

That’s just a little glimpse into the inner monologue that used to go on inside my head. And it was exhausting. Guys, the thing is, I really did believe all of that. I really did think that me being upset was 100% justified and LEGIT. 

Fast forward. 

This past year has been the hardest year of my entire life. What I thought was “postpartum anxiety” was actually (complex) PTSD. Hence why it stuck around a lot longer than expected. And to be honest, the chaos and dysfunction I have dealt with as a stepmom has actually played a pretty huge role in my PTSD diagnosis (but more on that in a future post). I know that’s a lot to take in. But my point is, I have had to do some MAJOR soul searching and self-healing. And in the process of my healing journey, I have so graciously been given the most profound insights. Insights that I’ve heard many times in my life before but that just never registered on a deep soul level. 

People I know this sounds crazy, but you aren’t who you think you are. You aren’t all those feelings that swarm your mind at night while laying in bed or those gut-wrenching insecurities that creep up on you when you hear something about your husband’s past. You don’t really believe all those things you have been conditioned to believe about the world and yourself. Mind blown, right?!

So, here’s how it works. Feelings are nothing but an experience of a thought. Which takes me to my next point. YOU ARE NOT YOUR THOUGHTS. Your brain is a machine and it generates like 60,000 thoughts a day, every single day. This is why the Bible says we have to “take our thoughts captive.” If you don’t want to have a certain thought, then when it pops up, reject it and replace it with the thought you do want to have. And yes this is a lot easier said than done and takes practice). Do you realize that you can change the entire reality of your stepmom experience by becoming merely an OBSERVER of your thoughts rather than constantly living as a slave to the subconscious (Aka “ego”- more on that in another post, too)? Step outside of yourself for a second. You don’t have to cling on to every single thought or feeling that enters into your consciousness.

And the thing is, once you realize how you have literally become a slave to negative thoughts and emotions, it’s actually really easy to make sense of all the chaos going on around you, but most importantly inside of you. 

Did it ever occur to you that when the ex writes a nasty email that in her mind, that is reality? Am I saying it’s true? Heck no. But is it HER reality? Yep, sure is. Doesn’t that take some of the sting out of it? Can’t you just find it heartbreaking that she has created this painful twisted reality for herself and is just subconsciously projecting it on to your husband (and probably even your stepchild)? 

And doesn’t part of you want to stop right here and go WHAT THE %#^*%|>~>€~ because this is all just so dang bizarre?

Anyway. We’re all doing it you know. Projecting our own meaning on to every conversation, every event, every single thing that happens in our life. But who says the way we are thinking or feeling is even the “right” way? The good news is, YOU have the power to step outside of your thoughts —> emotions —>reactions and figure out why you think, feel and act the way you do. And in doing so, you’ll probably finally understand why the crazy folk in your life act and feel the way they do, too. We are just all a bunch of broken sinners aren’t we?! 

Would you believe me if I told you that probably 90% of the negative emotions you experience in your stepmom role are just you being triggered by your past? What an AMAZING “aha moment” when it finally hit me that the pain I’m feeling today isn’t coming from what happened today. It’s a pain that’s been buried deep inside of me since childhood and keeps getting dragged out of its grave every time something happens that feels remotely similar to the hurt I experienced in my past. 

Y’all it’s time to do the work. Figure out the root of your triggers and start healing those wounds. You owe it to yourself and your family. 

You know I used to sit around waiting on “peace.” And for me that meant something like…my family is perfectly healthy, my husband is happy at work and there’s nothing tragic going on around me. And the ex moves to Europe. Just kidding. You know the drill…If I could just eliminate everything that caused me anxiety in my life then FINALLY I could have peace!!!!

But this year proved something to me. Proved it to me on a level so deep that it’s in my bones now. For life. See, peace has NOTHING to do with what’s going on around me and has EVERYTHING to do with what’s going on inside of me. 

Let me explain it like this. 

Ok so just being real here – I have a freakin’ hot, successful husband who loves me more than anything on this planet. My stepdaughter loves me and we have an awesome relationship. I have a beautiful hilarious four year old and I just had a second baby who is 100% PERFECTION. I live in a beautiful house and I don’t have to work. My family is healthy. But you know what? 

None of that meant JACK when I was living inside the prison of my own mind. Do you get what I’m saying here? Of course my family mattered to me but everything was so perfect on the outside and STILL. STILL I woke up every morning for MONTHS in utter HELL. 

Don’t you see?!

It doesn’t matter what the ex does. It doesn’t matter how disrespectful or rude your stepkid is. It doesn’t matter if you don’t like being a second wife. It doesn’t matter if your husband pays too much child support. It doesn’t matter if everything isn’t like the fairytale you thought it would be. These “problems” are NOT YOUR PROBLEM.  I’m not saying these things aren’t hard realities to accept  or deal with I’m just saying that they can’t steal your peace. Unless YOU let them. 

How about this. Stop taking things personally. Stop getting offended. Stop playing victim. Realize that everyone is dealing with their own version of pain and trauma and yeah, sometimes it spews out of them like poisonous venom and no that’s not okay but it’s not YOURS to carry. So DROP IT! And then CAST your cares on HIM! Let HIM carry those burdens!

Stop letting your emotions lie to you. You are in control of your mind. Your mind isn’t in control of you. For far too long I let my feelings run the show and when things really hit the fan for me mentally, the consequences of my negative thinking finally caught up to me and took me into a pit so deep I didn’t think I would ever claw my way out. 

But here I am. So grateful for this pit. It has changed my life. Because it has changed my mind. You create your reality folks. Don’t let anyone create it for you. 

See now I refuse to entertain resentment, fear, insecurity, revenge or jealousy any longer. If I feel those negative thoughts start to pop up, I swat them away like a fly because I ain’t got time for that. I’m on a mission for God and He tells me to “throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles!” And isn’t that exactly what negative thoughts and emotions do? Get your mind so tangled up, messed up and distracted that you can’t even think straight enough to be effective for God?

I can’t tell you how many times I see stepmoms blasting all over IG, “All I want is peace! I just want peace! (And yes I used to be one of those) But do you REALLY want peace? How bad do you want it? Are you willing to do the work? 

I know some of this may be overwhelming but I just pray that God will put it on your heart to look inside yourself and see that He wants us all to embark on this journey of healing so that we can be truly FREE. Free from the mental prison we have put ourselves in. Free to be the wives, mothers and stepmothers He created us to be so we don’t keep raising more hurting traumatized adults.

At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how perfect your life is or isn’t. The fact of the matter is that peace is there for the taking. All day. Every day. The only one holding you back is you.

Can you see now that maybe you, too have been living a lie? Who do you really want to be? You get to decide. But it’s hard work. Super hard work. You’ve got some serious thought habits to change and it’s gonna take time. But trust me when I say it is 1000% worth it. Because on the other side of it is unshakeable peace, joy and a safety and security you’ve truly never known before. It’s like a whole new world. A whole new “me!” 

Thank you Father for the “new me.” 

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! 2 Corinthians 5:17

See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? Isaiah 43:19

 The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship.[a] And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.” Romans 8:15

1. COMPLIMENT, COMPLIMENT, COMPLIMENT. Every day. Every single time your husband does anything you can come up with a compliment for. When you happen to notice how sexy he looks in his workout clothes, TELL HIM. When you witness a sweet daddy/son or daughter moment, let him know how much it melts your heart. Send him a random text while he’s at work and tell him how much you love him and how proud you are to be his wife. BRAG on him – even when he’s not there! Practice the art of complimenting and it will become a habit before you know it! I first realized just how marriage-transforming this could be after asking my husband what the one thing his heart truly desired the most from me was. His answer: He just wants me to think he hung the moon! And lucky for him, I do! But thinking it isn’t good enough. He needs to hear me say it! See, God made husbands to value respect above all else and your man knowing just how amazing you think he is as a provider, husband, lover, father and human being gives him the inner confidence he needs to handle anything life throws at him! Not to mention, men tend to live up to the expectations we have of them. Give him some big shoes to fill! No one has the ability to breathe destiny into a man the way his wife can!
2. LESS FIGHTING. MORE KISSING. So, I’m gonna let you in on a little secret I discovered back in those early, tumultuous newly-wed years, something that I still pull out of my back pocket five years later. Next time you and your husband are in a heated argument of any kind, stop talking. Walk up to him and plant a big, sexy kiss right on his big yappin’ mouth. Put some serious passion in it, too. Don’t stop until you feel the tension leave his face. IT WORKS. EVERY SINGLE TIME. His heart will instantly soften toward you and you will both immediately refocus on the uh-hum, intimacy between you, not the distance. I don’t know what it is about that mid-fight intervention kiss, but it somehow cripples every angry bone in your body and turns a heated moment into a H-O-T-T one. Seriously, it’s almost impossible to be mad at someone you’re making out with. Just make sure you sort things out after you have truly reconnected and don’t just brush amy serious issues under the rug. 
3. PUT HIM FIRST. As stepmoms especially, we can pitch a lot of fits over our husband “not putting us first.” And sadly, many stepmoms think they shouldn’t even expect to be number one (more on that another day). But believe me, both husband and wife are meant to be one another’s top priority, whether the kids were there first or not. Your husband deserves the same respect you expect from him. As stepmothers and mothers, I know it can be easier to pour our heart and soul into our children, but your husband wants to be your number one, even over the kids. He needs to know he will always be the number one love of your life. Prove it to him by making time to be alone with him. The words popping into my head right now are DATE NIGHT. And you don’t have to spend a lot of money either. Just get away together. Anywhere. Once a week if you can. If you can’t afford a babysitter, send the kids to bed early and watch a movie. Sometimes if we need some alone time on a weekend afternoon, we will just improvise and put a movie on for the kids in the living room and go watch a movie together snuggled up in the bedroom. Make it work. He will appreciate it more than you could ever imagine. You may think he is perfectly fine being with you and “his,” “yours,” or “y’all’s” kids 24/7, but I can assure you there is nothing he loves more than spending alone time with his old lady. 
4. GET PHYSICAL. People, let me just start off by saying that your sex life inside of marriage should be getting better every day! If that’s not the case, not only are you doing something wrong, (please don’t hate me, I’m just being honest here!) but you’re missing out on of the biggest and best perks of married life. There is nothing more physically fulfilling or fun than the freedom of God-ordained sex with the person who knows you and loves you the most. BUT it’s not just for the bedroom. Find ways to get physical with your husband all the time (obviously some situations are inappropriate). Tease him in the kitchen when the kids are in the other room or glued to the TV. Grab his booty when he walks by you in the hallway. Hold his hand in the car or walking down the sidewalk. Rub his head while you’re watching a movie on the couch. My husband is literally putty in my hands when I touch him and I love the confidence I see on his face when he is reassured of just how attracted to him I really am. I mean, come on ladies, it really should come as no surprise that most men respond very positively to physical touch. Even though I knew my husband loved when I was physical with him, I was honestly shocked that while doing the Five Love Languages test together, his results said his primary love language was physical touch! Apparently, he notices and soaks in every bit of touch I give him. Not only does it make him feel connected to me, but it also serves as a comfort for him after dealing with the never-ending daily stressors of life. I can almost promise you your husband will be thankful for a more “hands-on” approach. 
5. BE TRANSPARENT. Men don’t like to play games (most of them at least). Women do (most of them at least). And the truth is, we both somehow end up dancing the dance where you hurt me and instead of saying “Hey! You hurt me,” I try to hurt you back. And the dance just keeps going around and around. Stop dancing. Just be honest. Trust your husband with your heart enough to admit your biggest fears and insecurities. Let me give you an example. Say I am being a nagging, emotional wife. Husband tells me I am being crazy. Instead of saying, “Oh, I’ll show you crazy,” I choose to be vulnerable with him and instead say, “I know, I really am being crazy. I’m sorry, I don’t know whats going on with me today. And then instead of him going to the gym for the second time that day to get away from his crazy wife, your husband is so moved by your tender heart, he actually starts encouraging you, assuring you that you’re not in fact, crazy, and asking if he can run you a hot bath. This may sound like manipulation, but its not. It’s called BEING REAL. News flash ladies, being a defensive, head strong, loud-mouth witch with a “B” is not sexy. Like, at all. What’s sexy is a woman who is authentic, humble and self-aware. God made a man’s heart to be drawn to the tenderness of a woman’s heart. Yes, it’s OK to be vulnerable. A truly confident woman is not scared to show weakness or humility. When you are transparent with your husband, you show him that your marriage is a safe place for him to be transparent, too. How many fights could be avoided if we were all just dead honest about why we were upset from the get-go? A LOT. Somewhere around 99%.

And last but certainly not least…

• SEEK GOD TOGETHER . Even if it’s just reading a few Bible verses at night before you fall asleep. Find “Marriage Today” on YouTube and watch an episode together! Most importantly, pray outloud together, even if it feels awkward or uncomfortable. I will never forget one night standing in our driveway, how strongly my husband and I experienced the power of prayer in our marriage. For at least a week, him and I had been at MAJOR odds about something and we couldn’t seem to break out of that negative cycle. Things kinda came to a head that night in the driveway as we were packing our son up in the stroller to head to a parade downtown and if our neighbors hadn’t been in their 90’s, I’m pretty sure they would have been sitting on their back porch enjoying the free entertainment going on next door. The tension was so dang thick you could seriously cut it with a knife. Then, I made a not-so-like-me decision in that moment that completely changed the course our night and even our marriage. I am in no way bragging on my self here, but somehow God miraculously redirected my thoughts and I said, “Let’s pray right now.” I wrapped my arms around his tense body and I started praying outloud, confessing my sin to God, repenting of all of the things I had been doing wrong to my husband and in our marriage. I named them outloud one by one and literally begged God to change my heart and to heal our marriage. When I was done, he prayed outloud, too. All of the walls we had built between us immediately crumbled. I cannot describe in words how powerfully the Spirit of God surrounded us in that moment. Just minutes before, our marriage had felt broken and fragile, yet after one prayer inviting God in to fix the huge mess we had created, our marriage had never felt so strong. Never underestimate what the Lord can do in your marriage when you invite Him in to be a real, tangible part of it. He IS the one who created it, after all!

WIFE TESTED. HUSBAND APPROVED.

Now when I say she is “scared” of me, I am really talking about a healthy kind of fear that I think every stepkid should have for their stepmom. Let me explain.

I call her out.

If my stepdaughter starts pulling away, acting awkward or manipulative, I address it right then and there. No beating around the bush. There’s no getting anything past stepmom (or mom). In this house, we walk in truth and authenticity. And honestly, even if she dreads some of those uncomfortable moments, I know that deep down it makes her feel safe knowing someone is so tuned in to her emotions.

I call myself out.

There have been many, MANY times I have screwed up as a stepmom. Over the past 5 years, I have overreacted more than once. I have made comments about her other parent that I knew were not meant for her to hear. I have acted distant and cold when I am upset and OVER the drama in our blended family. No, I will never be the perfect stepmom, but what I can be is that person in her life who doesn’t pretend to be perfect. I can show her what it means to take responsibility for the things I do wrong instead of shoving it under the rug and acting like it never happened, leaving her alone to internalize words and situations she is too young to comprehend or process on her own. I’ve learned that kids may not like when we mess up, but they do love a sincere apology and are a lot more understanding and forgiving than we give them credit for.

I don’t feel sorry for her.

I know her situation is less than ideal, but it’s all she’s ever known so why would I pity her? She doesn’t need pity. In fact, I know it annoys her when people try too hard or overcompensate because they feel sorry for here. She just wants someone to believe in her. I have always held her to high standards because I want her to understand and believe she is completely capable of meeting them, just like the kid from a “normal” happy family. Coming from a broken family may be a pain in the butt, but its certainly not a crutch.

I don’t “try” very hard.

Like at all. I’m just me. And when she’s here, I still just do me. She can love it or hate it. That’s her business not mine. And as callous as it may sound, I don’t really care if she likes me or not. That ship sailed along time ago. But I do know that she loves me, and most importantly that she trusts me and that’s all that really matters to me.

I stand for truth.

100% of the time. I promise you that if you asked my stepdaughter about me she would tell you that I always tell the truth, even when its not pretty. Of course there are certain situations where the “truth” is not appropriate, but majority of the time, it is. On the flip side of that, she knows that deception in any form will not be tolerated in my house. In her world, where there are way too many versions to every story and two houses with two different “realities,” I know without a doubt that I am that one person in her life that she knows will not make excuses and whose story story never changes.

I have high expectations.

Especially with my family members. Any attitudes or behaviors that we don’t tolerate in this family, will be shut down before my stepkid even makes it through the front door on transition days. My husband and I have a saying in this house, “Anyone who wants to be a part of this family better act like it.” And that goes for all of us. She is absolutely expected to act like a normal, full-time member of this family which includes respecting the privacy of this family as well as doing her part with chores, etc.

She knows I am her dad’s number one.

Now there are a lot of people who may disagree with this and think it sounds “mean” or “wrong,” but in this family we believe that next to our relationship with God, marriage is our number one priority, always. No matter who came first-the kids or the spouse. I can assure you that my stepdaughter wouldn’t dream of saying one negative word about me to my husband, because both of our kids know that nobody messes with Dad’s old lady. That being said, she simply doesn’t hold the power to cause division in our marriage and she knows it.

See? Sometimes its OKAY to be a ScArY sTePmOm!

As I made my way to the dance floor, covered in costume-clad relatives and flashing multi-color lights, I couldn’t help but chuckle with pure delight at all of the tackiness, hilarious dance moves and smiling faces. So I jumped in. And we danced. Together. All of us. And we laughed our butts off when someone slipped  “Baby Got Back’ into the disco playlist. I saw every rear end in my family shaking on that dance floor and this may sound crazy, but the only thought that popped in my head was that “this must be what heaven is like.” Everyone I love in one place having the time of their life. Where nothing else matters but love and togetherness.

And then it hit me on the way home, something my Uncle/Pastor said in church after Thanksgiving. He was talking about the holidays and how special they are to us. He said that it was just a small glimpse of what heaven would be like. A huge gathering of family, celebrating together in perfect love and harmony. 

And then I started thinking about heaven. Because you know, we don’t think about the awesomeness of heaven near as much as we ought to. We have such a one-track worldly mind we can almost forget that as believers, we have eternal bliss waiting on the other side of this life. 

So, Stepmom. Let me speak to your heart tonight. Don’t get too excited now, but when we get to heaven, we won’t be stepmoms anymore or ever again. And sorry but I can’t pretend that doesn’t send huge wave of relief through my body. It’s not that I don’t love mothering my stepdaughter, but I can’t wait to be free from the pain, heartache and drama of stepmomhood. Free to love her as a sister in Christ and not as the woman who married her dad and her mother wishes didn’t exist. 

There are days I have to fast forward time in my head when I am struggling with the challenging relationships that were brought into my life when I became a stepmom. I remind myself that ONE DAY, this particular person and I (assuming they will be in heaven and I hope and pray they are) will have a 100% pure, honest and perfect relationship. That the truth of everything will be fully known and that there will be complete understanding and forgiveness of all that transpired here on this earth. Sometimes, we have choose to focus on the reality of that eternal relationship rather than the temporary one we have right now. Because the temporary one, is just that. Temporary.

“Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. ⁴ ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’^[b] or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”

Revelation 21:3-4

I want you to really soak this in stepmom. You will never hurt again. You will never cry again. There will be no more conflict. No more chaos. No more dysfunction. ALL OF OUR RELATIONSHIPS WILL BE PERFECT. That’s right, PERFECT.

Anyway, I know its the holidays and everyone is expecting this post to be full of good cheer, but guess what? Reality is that trials and tragedy are just around the corner. For all of us. No one is exempt. And the older you get the worse it gets. Just last week, one of my best friends passed away unexpectedly. First time I’ve lost a best friend. Now, she was in her mid-70’s but it didn’t soften the blow. I had spoken to this friend almost every single day for almost 7 years. I hadn’t talked to her in a month when she died. I didn’t get to tell her goodbye. Or how much I loved her and how much her friendship meant to me. Merry freaking Christmas. 

I tell you all of this because the truth is there really isn’t anything on this earth we can put our hope in. Not people, not our jobs and certainly not the holidays. There is only one hope for us stepmoms. For every other living soul on this planet. And that is the hope of heaven. Where we will finally be made holy, in the presence of Almighty God. Our Creator. Our Father. Our EVERYTHING. It’s only in heaven that we will be truly free of the burdens of this world, blissfuilly wrapped in the arms of Love for all of eternity. It’s going to be so amazing, Stepmama. More than your heart could have ever imagined. The PERFECT family.

Until then, keep running your race stepmom, and keep your eyes fixed on the prize of heaven. 

Merry Christmas!

Before I even got my food, I was told some unexpected, horrible news. News about a friend of mine who is pregnant and has recently received some truly devastating news.

All of a sudden I couldn’t breathe. My heart felt like it stopped beating. My head started to spin and I thought I was going to pass out. I had to stop the conversation. I asked for a to-go box, stuffed my food in it and frantically ran out of the restaurant. I got in my car and cried and cried and cried. I hit the steering wheel. I asked God “WHY!? Why did you let this happen?!” 

Here it is, my birthday. A day to celebrate life. And suddenly I feel overwhelmed by death and despair. 

I walked in to my house and collapsed into my husband’s arms. Poor thing, he probably thought something terrible had just happened. And as horrified as he was by the bad news I told him, he wasn’t quite able to fathom the all-encompassing impact it had on me as a fellow mother, who is also carrying a life inside of me. I sat at the table and ate my to-go food covered in salty tears and then I cuddled my three year old like it was the last time. And cried some more. 

Nope, God didn’t shield me from the tragic reality of living in a fallen world. Not even on my birthday. But, as I started rummaging through Christmas decorations in attempt to take my mind off it all, I quickly realized just how grateful I was for the reminder that God sent me today. More like the wake up call.

What a fool I have been lately. This life is so fragile. We aren’t promised another day. Not even another minute. Not even the next breath! How is it I have been so caught up in the distractions of life that I somehow forgot that 95% of what I am distracted with doesn’t matter at all? Not even a little. What matters is GOD. What matters is LOVE. And FAMILY. Sometimes us stepmoms need to be slapped in the face with that reminder, because honestly it is just too dang easy to become consumed, even obsessed with the complexities and frustrations of blended family life and lose sight of the precious gift right infront of us. Even if everything in my life seems to be going wrong, there is still SO much more to be grateful for, even if it doesn’t come wrapped in the pretty little package I was hoping for. All I have to do is open my stubborn eyes and heart to what really matters. 

Stepmama, don’t waste another minute mentally (or physically) whining and ruminating about every little thing that’s not perfect about your family or your life. Don’t wait until something tragic happens to realize how good you really have it. I know I won’t. At least not today. 

Thank you God for that amazing birthday present and I pray you wrap your healing arms around my friend. In Jesus’ name.

Here’s to 33!