My Stepkid is Scared of Me. Here are 7 Reasons Why.
I know. My title comes off a little creepy, but it’s premise is true. My stepdaughter is scared of me and has been since she was old enough to really understand what was going on around her. And I wouldn’t change a thing about it. In fact, I think it’s one of the best things that has ever happened to our relationship. Seriously.
Now when I say she is “scared” of me, I am really talking about a healthy kind of fear that I think every stepkid should have for their stepmom. Let me explain.
I call her out.
If my stepdaughter starts pulling away, acting awkward or manipulative, I address it right then and there. No beating around the bush. There’s no getting anything past stepmom (or mom). In this house, we walk in truth and authenticity. And honestly, even if she dreads some of those uncomfortable moments, I know that deep down it makes her feel safe knowing someone is so tuned in to her emotions.
I call myself out.
There have been many, MANY times I have screwed up as a stepmom. Over the past 5 years, I have overreacted more than once. I have made comments about her other parent that I knew were not meant for her to hear. I have acted distant and cold when I am upset and OVER the drama in our blended family. No, I will never be the perfect stepmom, but what I can be is that person in her life who doesn’t pretend to be perfect. I can show her what it means to take responsibility for the things I do wrong instead of shoving it under the rug and acting like it never happened, leaving her alone to internalize words and situations she is too young to comprehend or process on her own. I’ve learned that kids may not like when we mess up, but they do love a sincere apology and are a lot more understanding and forgiving than we give them credit for.
I don’t feel sorry for her.
I know her situation is less than ideal, but it’s all she’s ever known so why would I pity her? She doesn’t need pity. In fact, I know it annoys her when people try too hard or overcompensate because they feel sorry for here. She just wants someone to believe in her. I have always held her to high standards because I want her to understand and believe she is completely capable of meeting them, just like the kid from a “normal” happy family. Coming from a broken family may be a pain in the butt, but its certainly not a crutch.
I don’t “try” very hard.
Like at all. I’m just me. And when she’s here, I still just do me. She can love it or hate it. That’s her business not mine. And as callous as it may sound, I don’t really care if she likes me or not. That ship sailed along time ago. But I do know that she loves me, and most importantly that she trusts me and that’s all that really matters to me.
I stand for truth.
100% of the time. I promise you that if you asked my stepdaughter about me she would tell you that I always tell the truth, even when its not pretty. Of course there are certain situations where the “truth” is not appropriate, but majority of the time, it is. On the flip side of that, she knows that deception in any form will not be tolerated in my house. In her world, where there are way too many versions to every story and two houses with two different “realities,” I know without a doubt that I am that one person in her life that she knows will not make excuses and whose story story never changes.
I have high expectations.
Especially with my family members. Any attitudes or behaviors that we don’t tolerate in this family, will be shut down before my stepkid even makes it through the front door on transition days. My husband and I have a saying in this house, “Anyone who wants to be a part of this family better act like it.” And that goes for all of us. She is absolutely expected to act like a normal, full-time member of this family which includes respecting the privacy of this family as well as doing her part with chores, etc.
She knows I am her dad’s number one.
Now there are a lot of people who may disagree with this and think it sounds “mean” or “wrong,” but in this family we believe that next to our relationship with God, marriage is our number one priority, always. No matter who came first-the kids or the spouse. I can assure you that my stepdaughter wouldn’t dream of saying one negative word about me to my husband, because both of our kids know that nobody messes with Dad’s old lady. That being said, she simply doesn’t hold the power to cause division in our marriage and she knows it.
See? Sometimes its OKAY to be a ScArY sTePmOm!
10 Comments
Joan
Interesting.
I like all of your posts but this one didn’t seem very positive to me. You don’t dare if your stepchild likes you or not? That one is rough for me to grasp, as a stepmom
It sounds like you still hold resentment for your husbands ex as well – and that’s too bad. Doesn’t seems like the best family dynamic. I’ll pray for you, and your stepdaughter.
admin
Jane,
I appreciate you reaching out. Unfortunately the reality of being of a stepmom isn’t always “positive,” so I would be doing a disservice to my readers by always painting a pretty picture instead of empathizing with the negative, very real aspects of step parenting. However, I honestly didn’t feel this was a “negative” post, but more of a catchy, lighthearted read. Interesting you took it that way!
Not only do I not care about my stepchild not liking me, but I also don’t care about my biological son liking me. As parents, our job is not to make our children “like” us, but rather to teach and guide them, and love them by doing what’s best for them. Which often times makes us quite “unlikeable. We are our children’s parents, not their friends. Some people get that part very confused. As stepparents, it is WAY too easy to get caught up in our stepchildren “liking” us, which usually just backfires in the natural evolution of our relationship with them. Not to mention, someone “liking” us is subjective, ever-changing and completely outside of our control. If I know that my stepchild loves me, is that not the important thing here? Do you suggest one should change who they are so that someone “likes” them? Like and love are two very different things.
Also, I would be lying to you, as would every stepmom in the world, if they said they never felt any underlying resentment for their husband’s ex and even their stepchildren from time to time. I think I have already made that pretty clear in my previous posts more than once. But, something tells me you probably understand that resentment much better than you would ever admit over the internet, or maybe even to yourself. There’s no reason to be ashamed of those feelings. God can handle our feelings and isn’t mad at us for having them. And yes it is too bad, you are right. I would have never dreamed our relationship with my stepdaughter’s other family would be so dysfunctional, but some things are far outside of my control and have to be accepted and then placed into the hands of God. Luckily, the dysfunctinal dynamics are kept far away from my home and most importantly, my family. While not perfect or “the best,” (which I think we would all agree is unrealistic and unattainable for ANY family), our family dynamic is God-centered, healthy and loving and that’s “good enough” for me!
I was given the option to approve this message before it posted and considered deleting it at first glance, but I am actually really happy about the chance to clear some of this up for my you and my readers! Thank you for your input and for enjoying my other posts! And thank you for your prayers! Keep them coming! Blessings to you and your family!
Shannon
Joan,
This blog post is awesome. We should not care if our kids like us. If our children don’t LOVE us, then there is a problem. It is not about pleasing our kids. It is about balance with love, discipline, rules, and structure. What is best for them in the long run we have to ask?
Also, I don’t read bitterness. I read about a mature Godly woman who is fighting a difficult battle with love and Grace. A situation that many women would worsen. God is working in her through this!
Last of all, you said that you will be praying for her. I wonder what your motive was with typing that? Was it pure? It did not sound like it. I am thankful for this honest raw blog.
admin
Thank you, Shannon! You are too kind!
jessie
I totally disagree with Jane.
I definitely see your point of view. You yourself seem like a respectable woman, and that you came from a very nice background. Her response is probably the most idiotic paragraph i have ever read.
Renee
😂😂😂 💀
admin
Right?! Sometimes you just gotta laugh…
Lillian
You took the words right out of my heart and mind.
Thank you for making me feel normal for feeling or acting the way I do.
Konstantina
We are a blended family of 4 mothers(which I hope I won’t get discriminated by). I think I am the most strict one and this thought led me to your post. Thank you for that. It helped me a lot and expressed exactly how I am and feel!
Jo
I came across your IG a few weeks ago and decided to visit your blog. I absolutely LOVE this post. I can relate 100% because this is my reality now and has been since my husband and I married in 2019. My stepdaughter wants WAY too much attention whenever she visits. She’s automatically reserved, glued to her phone, won’t even speak, and I had to call her out one day until she cried. I even told her that the tears don’t affect me. We’re going through ALOT just to have her come over (court battles and all)… so I’m like, girl, we want you here, and when you’re over our house, you better act like you’re apart of the family. So yeah, I don’t try hard because the best way for her to understand me and know me as stepmom is to be my natural self. Me being dad’s number one was an issue in the beginning. At times she would misbehave just to get attention. She even admitted that too. Now, it’s gotten better but it was a horror story that my husband and I had to even go through counseling just so I could be healed.
I truly thank you for being so raw, transparent, and honest with your blog. I can admit that I haven’t fully accepted my stepdaughter, (my story is so tough and I’m sure you can relate) but I’m praying diligently and your blog is truly an encouragement that I can get there.
Looking forward to more posts. Thank you so much!