Three Reasons Why I am No Longer A Scary Stepmom

I’m baaaack…for the first time in about two years, and it shows because I had 242 unread blog comments, which is a project for another day. A day that will probably never come. Just being honest.

As much as I love writing on this blog, I’ve had to use all my writing skills on graduate school these past two years, and have had neither the time or energy to consistently post on here. I hope that will change soon, as I get closer to graduation! Yay!

Now, back to the point.

This is an article I wrote back in 2019 that I have had several platforms ask if they could repost lately, and I’ve said yes and haven’t thought twice about it – until I happened to go back and re-read it this morning. 

Y’all, A LOT has happened in 3 years. For starters, my stepdaughter has done a lot of growing up and changing. But to be honest, I think the one who has done the most growing up and changing is ME. 

Although I still stand by the majority of what I wrote in this article, I would like to address the parts of it that I no longer align with because I want everyone to recognize and understand that HUMILITY is one of the most important characteristics you can cultivate as a stepmom. 

Take it from me. You are going to look back at some of things you have thought/said/done/believed and go WTF?!?! I’ve had to stick my foot in my mouth so many times in the past nine years that I can still taste the leather. And I just want y’all to know that it’s OK and it’s a GOOD thing, because it is a necessary part of your growth as a stepmom, and it is a process that can not be skipped, faked or rushed! 

You don’t know what you don’t know…until you learn it for yourself!

In my original article, I made the claim that it is OK to be a scary stepmom. Well, here are three of the reasons why I considered myself a scary stepmom, followed by three reasons why I no longer do, and why I hope you will reconsider it as well.

1. “I don’t “try” very hard.”

Look, I admit that I still do not spend time worrying about if my stepkid likes me or not, because well, that’s her personal opinion and there is nothing I can do to change it. And again, I am confident in her love for me which is more important to me than her like for me. But here’s the truth. I try incredibly hard to be someone that radiates love, peace, and safety for her. I go out of my way to make sure she feels seen, heard and understood. I am hyperaware of her feelings and moods, and make it known that I am here to comfort and encourage her anytime she needs it. In fact, I “try” harder with her than I do my own biological children because I know how much deeper her struggles are and how much more she needs me when she is here. I am still working on a healthy balance there because my sons are getting older and starting to pick up on my tendency to cater to her needs first and foremost. It’s a juggling act I haven’t quite mastered yet.

1. “I don’t feel sorry for her.”

Just writing those words makes my stomach hurt. How do I even begin to describe the level of heartbreak I feel over what this child has been through and continues to go through. Words do not suffice. My eyes have been opened to so many things this past three years-hard things. Things I wish I could unsee. I cry about it with God. I cry about it with my husband. I even cry about it with her sometimes. It all just feels like too much and makes me feel angry, sad and hopeless all at the same time. At this point, there’s almost nothing I wouldn’t be willing to do to take all the pain and trauma away from her. My point-PLEASE ask God to break your heart for your stepkids. They need your empathy and compassion more than you will ever know. Even when they act like they don’t want it.

1. “I have high expectations.”

It’s actually hard for me to believe that at one point I was dumb enough to expect my stepdaughter to just walk in our front door and feel and act like a “normal” member of our family. There is nothing normal about leaving one home to go live at a different one every other week/weekend. I mean seriously, what kind of superhero kid can just seamlessly transition back and forth between two worlds, two families and two different sets of beliefs and values? Y’all. Let me just go ahead and tell you what to expect from kids of divorce. Lying. Manipulation. Chameleon-like behaviors. Anger. Avoidance. And that’s just a preview. Guess what? These are all NORMAL reactions to an ABONORMAL situation. Does this mean we condone these behaviors? Of course not. But we do need to stop being shocked by them and understand that there is something deeper driving these behaviors and its called trauma. They developed these “negative” behaviors to help them survive. Lower your expectations. And then lower them some more.

If you know me, you know I will always be the first to admit when I am wrong. 

And the truth is, I influence a lot of stepparents and I want to hold myself accountable for when I lead y’all in the wrong direction. 

Please accept this post as my formal apology, and I hope that this has helped you to see things from a new, better and more trauma-informed perspective. 

-Rachel Dunne aka Spiritual Stepmom